\u201cSo what did you think?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dan looked back. Otonashi was behind him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat did you think of your first battle?\u201d she asked. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What did he think? Dan didn\u2019t know. He had killed two drow. How was he supposed to feel? All he knew was that he felt very little at all. The realization felt wrong to him, and yet he was oddly at ease with it. Surely that couldn\u2019t be right. Was something wrong with him? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gideon had led them all out of the tunnel, and after everyone had been checked over by the healers and healed accordingly, they had set out again, moving quickly now that there was nothing in sight but an endless plain. There was a small cluster of hills they needed to reach before daybreak. They couldn\u2019t stay out in the open. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWhat did you think?\u201d Otonashi repeated. They were walking quickly, but she didn\u2019t sound the least bit out of breath. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know,\u201d Dan said, a little annoyed at her persistence. \u201cI don\u2019t feel anything, alright?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cDo you think you\u2019d want to do it again? Kill, I mean?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cNo,\u201d Dan said quickly. It seemed the right thing to say, but he wasn\u2019t sure if it was true. He felt his gun at his side, and knew perfectly well that he would have no second thoughts about using it again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Otonashi was silent, but Dan sensed she knew what he had been thinking. \u201cAll the great warriors,\u201d she said, \u201cthe ones who really make it, the ones who everyone fears\u2026 they feel at home in battle. They don\u2019t necessarily relish it, but they aren\u2019t repulsed by it, either. They just\u2026 belong there. Do you think you belong there, Dan? In battle?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was Dan\u2019s turn to be silent. Did he belong in battle? Now that he thought about it, it actually made sense. He knew perfectly well that he was constantly seeking something new, something different every second. What else could constantly change other than battle? Was that<\/em> Dan\u2019s horizon? It couldn\u2019t be though. Right? <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2026 I don\u2019t know,\u201d Dan said. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDon\u2019t worry,\u201d Otonashi said, in a comforting tone Dan would never have expected from her. \u201cSometimes it takes a few battles to know where you belong. The important thing is to stay in control. Once your emotions take over, then there\u2019s no telling where you\u2019ll end up.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou speaking from experience?\u201d Dan guessed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Otonashi took her time in replying. \u201cMaybe,\u201d she said quietly. \u201cBut it\u2019s true; just look at Jaseff.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dan glanced at Jaseff, who was walking a ways in front of them, head bowed, Trela close by his side. \u201cWhat about him?\u201d Dan asked. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou saw what he did when the fighting broke out,\u201d Otonashi said. \u201cHe fears battle, but instead of controlling his fear, he let it rule him. That\u2019s the mark of a coward.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m not a coward,\u201d Jaseff said. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dan looked up. He hadn\u2019t noticed Jaseff slow, allowing himself to drift closer to them. He now walked beside them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI don\u2019t say it to hurt you,\u201d Otonashi said, again in that surprisingly comforting tone. Dan felt that she meant it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m not a coward,\u201d Jaseff muttered. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThen you should stand up in a fight,\u201d Otonashi said, her voice still gentle. \u201cWatch those about you, channel their emotions, not your own fear.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cEasier said than done,\u201d Jaseff said. \u201cFear is all I have.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Both Dan and Otonashi were silent. Dan knew there was more Jaseff could say. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt\u2019s all I\u2019ve ever had,\u201d Jaseff finally said. \u201cIt kept me alive. If there was a threat, you ran. Simple as that. I\u2019ve listened to it all my life. Trying to control it now is like trying to stop breathing. It\u2019s too late.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt\u2019s never too late,\u201d Dan said, surprising himself. \u201cYou can control it, trust me.\u201d He remembered his own obsession with escaping, and how, with Heleer\u2019s help, he had eventually subdued it. At least temporarily. He wouldn\u2019t tell Jaseff about that part. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Jaseff shook his head. \u201cI\u2019ve tried,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019ve been trying for years. I just wish I could be more like Trela. She jumps right into a battle. She isn\u2019t afraid of anything.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOf course she is,\u201d Otonashi said calmly. \u201cThe fear in battle is what keeps us alive. Otherwise we would all charge in and be killed within a second.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cMaybe,\u201d said Jaseff, \u201cbut if she is afraid, she never shows it. And neither does anyone else. If it weren\u2019t for her, I wouldn\u2019t even be on this mission. I probably wouldn\u2019t even be in Jandar\u2019s army for that matter.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d Dan asked. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI probably would have run away by now,\u201d Jaseff said, sounding disgusted with himself. \u201cFound a hole to hide in until the war was over. Without Trela, I wouldn\u2019t be able to face anything.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cJandar must have summoned you for a reason,\u201d Otonashi said. \u201cHe must have seen something in you.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhatever he saw died off a long time ago,\u201d Jaseff said. \u201cLeave it, Otonashi. I appreciate what you\u2019re trying to do, but it\u2019s not going to work.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Otonashi was silent for a moment, and then sped up to the front of the line, where she resumed her normal pace, alone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat would you do if you went back?\u201d Dan asked Jaseff. \u201cIf Jandar sent you back to Toril? Away from this war?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThere\u2019s war on Toril too,\u201d Jaseff said. \u201cWe\u2019re always fighting the drow and their allies.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe war can\u2019t be everywhere though,\u201d Dan reasoned. \u201cWhat if you didn\u2019t have to fight?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Jaseff looked up after a moment. \u201cThen I would have everything I wanted. Trela wouldn\u2019t though. She needs this. She won\u2019t admit it, but she needs action, something to struggle against. I don\u2019t.\u201d He sighed. \u201cBut there\u2019s no point in talking about it. I\u2019m never going back. None of us are.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhy not?\u201d Dan asked quickly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Jaseff shrugged. \u201cThey\u2019ve tried before,\u201d he said. \u201cThe other Valkyrie have tried sending people back through the wellsprings, but they can\u2019t do it, not without all of the amulets. Ullar\u2019s failed at least twenty times.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat happens when they try?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cUsually nothing. Once an elf was teleported into the middle of Utgar\u2019s territory \u2013 an accident Einar is interested in replicating with an army \u2013 but that\u2019s it. This war is no closer to ending than when it began, so we\u2019ll be stuck here for a long time. Probably the rest of our lives.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dan wanted to tell Jaseff how close the end of the war really was \u2013 if for no other reason than to give him some hope \u2013 but he knew he couldn\u2019t. So he said nothing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n They walked on in silence. So the other Valkyrie had tried to use the wellsprings to send people back. That was more than Vydar had done, at least as far as Dan knew. That didn\u2019t help him, however. He was set on his path now. Vydar had been right: he could either help him end the war and hope he honored his promise, or betray what he knew, and prolong it with no end in sight. Dan was stuck now. The hills they were making for came into view just as Dan noticed that the sky was lightening ever so slowly. They still had a good hour before dawn, but they would have to hurry. Gideon seemed to know it, for he urged them on with greater speed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As they walked, Dan noticed that Laelia wasn\u2019t as talkative as she usually was. In the forest, she had gone from person to person, often (as far as Dan could tell, since he could hear only a few words) with the result of an argument. He had thought she rather enjoyed it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But now, she was walking beside Gideon, completely silent, without looking up. She was slumped forwards, and didn\u2019t at all look like her usual self. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Gideon seemed to sense something was off. He put his arm around Laelia and said something Dan couldn\u2019t hear. However, Laelia only shook her head, and shrugged Gideon\u2019s arm away. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with her?\u201d Dan asked Jaseff, nodding towards Laelia. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDepressed,\u201d Jaseff said. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhy?\u201d Dan asked blankly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cShe wanted to kill Caius herself. Now that Gideon killed him for her\u2026 she\u2019s been building up to this for years. I knew her well. She had become obsessed with it. Killing him had become her one great goal. Now it\u2019s been denied her, so\u2026\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cBut,\u201d Dan said, \u201cCaius is still dead. Why would it matter who did it?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Jaseff scratched his head. \u201cAll I have is theories,\u201d he said, looking sideways at Dan. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dan spread his palms. \u201cAll I have is time.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell,\u201d Jaseff said, \u201cyou remember how she said Caius raided the village she lived in?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dan nodded. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cTrela and I were in Lindesfarme at the time, and we were sent in as healers. A lot of Laelia\u2019s family was wounded \u2013 in one way or another \u2013 and her father, Crixus, had it the worst of all. Einar even called Ana in to try and save him, but there was hardly anything she could do. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhile I was there, trying to keep Crixus alive, I couldn\u2019t help but overhear what else was going on. I\u2019m not sure exactly how, but Laelia\u2019s mother had apparently been put down her whole life, told she would amount to nothing, that kind of thing. When she was summoned, she made something out of herself, and helped Einar\u2019s cause more than once. So, naturally, she tried to instill what she had learned on her daughter. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWith her father barely able to eat, Laelia was going through a dark time. In the raid, Caius had done more than injure or kill everyone she cared about; he had stolen her family\u2019s wealth. They were left with nothing. The only reason they had a roof over their heads at all was because Gideon\u2019s mother let them live with her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cLaelia knew she would have to join the war to support her mother, but she was convinced she would be turned down, thinking she wasn\u2019t good enough. So, naturally, her mother did what she had always done, and told her the opposite: that she could be just as good as anyone else, better even. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI think,\u201d Jaseff paused a moment. \u201cI think that\u2019s why she had to kill Caius herself. Caius was the one who had destroyed her life. If she could destroy his life, then I think she would see herself as better than him. As more capable. And I think she needs to see herself that way. I think what her mother said had the wrong effect: by telling her that she could be as good as anyone else, I think it implied that she didn\u2019t start that way, and now Laelia feels like she has to always prove herself. That\u2019s why she won\u2019t let anyone help her with anything. That\u2019s why she had to support her mother herself. And I think that\u2019s why she had to kill Caius herself. And now that Gideon both robbed her of that opportunity and saved her life in the process\u2026 you get the idea.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dan watched Laelia up ahead, walking slowly despite Gideon\u2019s urgings. Was Jaseff right? Had killing Caius been Laelia\u2019s one goal, the one thing she was aiming for? Had it been her own horizon? Dan saw her in a new light. If what Jaseff said was true, then he was looking at someone who had tried to reach their horizon, and had failed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n What if that happened to him? What if he never reached his horizon? \u201cSo what did you think?\u201d Dan looked back. Otonashi was behind him. \u201cWhat did you think of your first battle?\u201d she asked. What did he think? Dan didn\u2019t know. He had killed two drow. How was he supposed to feel? All he knew was that he felt very little at all. The realization felt wrong … Continue reading Chapter Forty-Two – Dissension<\/span>
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